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DAY 390 — AMERICAN ELECTION RESULTS

Good evening, world.

The Centralist Sosa Sosta Party has once again secured majority control in the new Congress, proving that moderation is the strongest addiction in the nation.

In a not so stunning twist, KING Sosa triumphed over the insurgent Democratic Union or Trans Capitalist Union, with a last-minute endorsement from none other than Donald Trump, America’s favorite builder. (Ironic.)

Meanwhile, foreign markets continue dumping on the American economy, as VAT and import taxes tumble under the glittering weight of the rising LGBTQ+ capitalist era — a time when every rainbow now comes with a receipt.

What a day this week has been.

Will the mantra “Go Woke, Go Broke” survive the stock market’s next costume change? 

Tell us, Europoors: how’s the revolution going without air conditioning?

— ThirtyThree