It's no secret that Brazilian education ranks among the world's worst, with levels of functional illiteracy soaring beyond human comprehension. But I must say, the Brazilian Army has outdone itself, exceeding even the lowest of expectations in their unique interpretation of The Art of War.


The book’s most famous line, “Know yourself and your enemy, and you will win a thousand battles,” has been quoted more times than your mom in her wild teenage years. But apparently, the Brazilian military rewrote the phrase in their Official Manual of Strategic Failures: “Surrender to yourself and assist your enemies, and you’ll lose a thousand battles.” And being the disciplined bunch they are, they followed it to the letter.


Step One: Like a lovestruck 14-year-old boy, Brazil started swiping right on every country that glanced its way, pledging eternal allegiance to anyone who would give it five minutes of attention. That’s how Brazil found itself embroiled in wars that have as much to do with it as quantum physics does with your local samba group—think invasions of Japan, Mexico, or those endless soap-opera-style feuds in Europe.


But let’s talk about the real pièce de résistance: without a single soldier stationed in its own backyard to repaint the curbs, Brazil was blindsided by none other than the mighty and ancient empire of Chile. Yes, the Chileans—armed with three soldiers and a catapult—stormed Temuco and nearly bagged Arica. With their bows and arrows perpetually aimed at the Brazilian heart, they extorted a tribute of 30 gold coins per Chilean-occupied territory, which, for context, amounts to approximately 756% of the entire GDP of Chile's "emerging empire." Bravo, Chile. Bravo.


And what about those allies to whom Brazil swore undying devotion? Busy swearing loyalty to everyone else, naturally. To be fair, some American soldiers did help during the conflict—by fighting for Chile. The world watched in shock as the U.S. pulled off an unprecedented historical event: abandoning an ally for its own interests. Who could have seen that coming?


Let this be a lesson to Brazil’s valorous soldiers: just because the pretty girl at the party smiles at you doesn’t mean you should ask her to dance. Sometimes, it’s better to stay home, watch the festivities from the sidelines, and sweep the streets, pick up trash, or whatever it is Brazilian troops do when they’re not busy losing wars.