Mass Outrage in G3 as U.S. Loses a Remote Village While France and Japan Lose Everything

In what some are calling the “darkest day in G3 history,” the United States has suffered a catastrophic loss after one of its precious overseas colonies fell to enemy forces. The news sent shockwaves through the alliance, with top G3 leaders convening an emergency summit to discuss the dire situation. “We stand in solidarity with the U.S. during this difficult time,” said a visibly shaken Portuguese official, clearly distressed by the realization that Portugal’s own far-flung colonies could face a similar fate. “If it can happen to them, it can happen to us,” the official added nervously, clutching a map of Portugal’s remaining overseas territories.

While Portugal braces for a potential attack on their colonies, smaller G3 nations that no longer exist are finding it difficult to muster sympathy. "Must be tough," muttered a former French diplomat from exile. "I mean, it's not like we lost our entire country or anything." In Japan, where residents are reportedly adjusting to life under full occupation, government officials expressed frustration at the alliance’s priorities. “We sent 17 emergency requests for reinforcements last week,” said a Japanese representative. “Apparently, none of them made it past the inbox because the U.S. and Portugal were too busy defending a strategically irrelevant patch of land.”

A U.S. spokesperson issued a statement calling the loss of the colony “a tragedy of historic proportions,” adding, “We will never forget the brave soldiers who fought and died trying to defend this outpost. Their sacrifice will be remembered, unlike the entirety of France and Japan, which frankly wasn’t our problem.”

Despite mounting criticism, G3 leaders insist they remain committed to helping all member nations—eventually. "We're just asking for patience," said a U.S. official. "We fully intend to liberate our allies. Right after we make sure all our palm trees and sandy beaches are secure." Meanwhile, as France and Japan prepare to hold candlelight vigils for the memory of their countries, the U.S. is reportedly planning a moment of silence in honor of its lost colony, followed by a beach party at one of its many remaining territories.