Faithful readers of Alliance Weekly have been left hanging this week after the latest installment failed to appear in their news feeds. Annoyance quickly escalated into concern when it was revealed that Pursche, the Supreme Commander of the Western European Treaty and renowned alliance analyst, vanished without a trace after entering a Saudi embassy earlier this week. No official statement has been made, but sources say he was last seen being “gently ushered” inside by men in sunglasses.

Authorities remain tight-lipped, but The Leading Institute of Global Media Administration has obtained exclusive access to files recovered from Pursche’s laptop, including what appears to be a half-finished installment of his signature Alliance Weekly segment:

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Alliance News
EPIC has added Bosnia and Herzegovina and Hungary.
WET has added Poland as a response.
EPIC launched a devastating surprise attack including 50+ nuclear strikes as a response, because EPIC is the only alliance allowed to grow bigger, bullies don't like it when their victims band together.

Current Alliances (to the best of my knowledge)
WET consists of Sweden, Germany, UK, France, Portugal and Poland.

EPIC consists of Saudi Arabia, Slovenia, USA, Brazil, Chile, Japan, Bosnia and Herzegovina and Hungary.

Kpoppers (I'm still waiting for someone to contact me with an official name) consists of South Korea, China, Bulgaria and Serbia.

Current Treaties
Poland came to their senses and brofksffffffssksss


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Alongside the draft, several private messages were also uncovered. Among them were affectionate notes addressed to someone named "Cellina," later revealed to be an AI girlfriend Pursche had created using a heavily macro’d Excel spreadsheet. Described in one message as “cold, calculating, and always in table format,” Cellina may have been the closest thing he had to a romantic partner.

With Pursche still missing, many are reluctantly turning to Saudi Arabia for answers, though few expect a clear explanation anytime soon.

The Leading Institute of Global Media Administration - Eclesiars most trusted news organization